At some point in the evening he is leaning over a table staring into one of those ubiquitous circles of soft cheese when someone says to him, “You are looking at ze perfect model of the Swiss nation.”
“What?” he says…”I’m looking at a cheese.”
“You see a cheese,” said the stranger. “I See a perfect model of the Swiss Nation.”
He noticed the brand was “Swiss Knight,” “Oh I get it, the knights of the middle ages.”
“No,” said the stranger. “The defended fortress.”
“I need a beer,” he said and stranger made one appear.
“Do you know the story of the last Romans?”
“No.”
“They came to live here in the mountains at the end of the empire….well here and at the Watican in Rome…It is why they only speak Latin in the Watican and in certain part of the Alps…Romansch..it is the fourth Language of Switzerland.”
“I”ve heard of it,” he said.
“It is Latin,” said the stranger.
“I’d heard that.”
“The story starts much earlier when the Roman empire was in its period of shrinking and expanding and shrinking… the decline…”
“The decline and Fall.”
“It was not so much a fall as several centuries of war and corruption. Like all empires they became arrogant and lazy and set in their ways… but around them ze people were trading and learning from all parts of the world… and the Swiss who were not called Swiss yet, but were the ones who live here….They were particularly clever and mean, yes? The Swiss have a particular capacity for war, it is why they take peace so seriously here. You know everyone thinks of what when they think of Switzerland?”
“Cuckoo Clocks.”
“Yes, exactly, but do they know that the cuckoo clock is also the key to military victory in Europe?”
“I don’t get you?”
“Spring steel make a clock go tick tick, but it is also the key to a very sharp sword. When folded into the hard center of carbon steel you get a blade that is felexible and strong and stays sharp. It is the Japanese trick, but also Persian.. and also Swiss… Spring and Steel makes a knife and a clock and later a gun verk. Ze Swiss learn these tricks from ze east, by trading, by buying, and by making and so The Romans come up the Pass from Italy and they are used to go someplace and take the wine and the women of the willage and ze cows and ze food, yes?”
“Sure. They’re the Romans.”
“So zey come wis a whole legion… 5,000 man and they are met on ze pass by only a few Swiss men with their steel swords … the Romans use bronze, or iron now I zink… short swords… so It is usually told with five men in the shape of a Pentagon, but it could be six in a Hexagon,” said the stranger dumping the cheese wedges on the table.”
“Tell it with five,” he said opening a cheese and popping it in his mouth and washing it down with the beer.”
“Yes,” said the Stranger. “Five… it is the shape of a hand and the four elements plus spirit… so you have the five men: the king who is the center and he has the sword of the center which is the thumb,” The stranger said, closing his thumb. “Then you have the sword of ze West – Earth,” and the stranger closed his indexfinger. “Zen sword of North – Wind,” and he closed the middle finger. “Zen Sword of South – Fire,” And he closed the ring finger. “And finally you have Sword of East – Water,” and he closes the pinky and turns his hand around to show his fist… and these five swords make a perfect weapon.”
“I see,”he said
‘ You see yes, but ze Romans, don’t see this, they see five men in the middle of ze road and so the General says: “Out of the way farmer Cow man…We are ze Roman Legion, Yes? We come to pass and take wis us your wine and also women and food, yes?”
“You are what now?” says the Swiss man… Center- thumb sword who speaks.
“We are ze Roman Legion and….” He goes through it again ans the five swiss laugh.
“Why do you laugh cow man?”
“We think it is funny you announce that you plan to steel from us… It is not the way we do things here. Let me explain. If I were to come to wisit you….Where do you live?”
“Como”
“Let us say that I come to wisit you at the Lake of Como, yes? I would first bring you a gift… perhaps my best wine, or my best cheese, or my best cow… It is all depending, but I can assure you I would bring you first a gift. Have you brought me a gift?”
“We are the Roman Legion.”
“Yes, You say that before, but it is not the question I ask you. I know who you are, but here is the problemm you have… You do not know who I am.”
“You are a cow farmer.”
“If you say so,” says the thumb.
“We are coming through… now get out of the road.”
“You are still not understanding me Como. You are not coming through unless I invite you. If I were you I would try to persuade me with a gift… this is the story I have been telling you.”
“But I am The Roman Legion and I have five thousand men and five thousand swords and you have nothing, but five men,” and the Roman pulls out his ugly short dull sword and announces, “This should persuade you.”
“Perhaps it should, Como. But it doesn’t. I have not drawn my sword and I think it is rude that you draw yours.. Now put it back. We are discussing business here and this is not the time for swords.”
“It is time for swords when I say it is time for swords. I am the Roman Legion.”
“You never get tired of saying this, do you?”
“We shall pass,”said the Roman. “My five thousand say so.”
“You won’t unless I inwite you in.. My five say so.”
“Enough!” says the Roman and he make a sign and all the Romans draw their swords.
“I don’t know why it is,” says the thumb. “That I should have to teach the Roman Legion Manners?”‘
The stranger took the five cheese wedges and formed them into a radiating pentagon. “Look here,” he said. “You see the king take the five men and form them into this shape… Like where the U.S. has the army… no? It is an impenatrable shape… if you get through the walls you are in the killing zone center where all five blades can cut you from all sides of your body, on the outside points, the sword cuts a perfect arc and the Swiss sword is longer and sharper than the Roman… The crazy Swiss don’t so much fight the Romans as they do a Dance of Death… They spin and yell and yodel and the whole time the five swords are spinning and chopping off Roman heads and the Romans can not get through this pentagon shape of spinning steel …the steel cuts right through the armor and the bronze and iron swords.. it is a blood bath yes… In Twenty minutes the five thousannd are five hundred in a route.
They have cut of ze sword arm of the Roman commander and the thumb says, “Next time… WIth the hand you have left, you bring me a present and we will talk about doing business with you. I don’t hold a grudge. I hold a sword… you will hold a gift, or so help me, you will hold nothing. I have one of your arms already Como, I have no use for the other, but I will take it from you all the same and then you will have to come up the mountains next time carrying a gift in your teeth.”
“Great story.”
“So yes, the Roman probably looses the other arm coming back with two legions, but ewentually they are not so arrogant. Maybe they bring a nice Italian wine and so they become in business together with all the cheese, yes? The Swiss have always like war and business, but business more than war.”
“Nothing is just a cheese,” he said, eating another wedge.
“Nothing here is ever as it appears…. the whole country is a weapon. Behind everything is something else.”
She comes over with more beer, “What are you two talking about?”
“My friend was saying that Switzerland is a weapon, or a cheese, or something.”
“Yeah right. They haven’t fought a war in seven hundred years….Ha…These chickens are neutral.”
“Nothing is ever as it seems,” he said turning towards the stranger, but the stranger was gone. “Weird he said.”
“Swiss army,” she said laughing. “What a joke.”
“Well they do have the knife,” he said pulling his out of the pocket and there he saw a five sided shield with a cross in the center. It appeared to him now like a diagram of a perfect fortress. He was starting to feel slightly fucked up.
